There comes a time during every trip when a journeying soul must recognize their imminent departure and govern themselves accordingly. For most people, this involves a mixture of packing and making sure they visit the last few places they couldn’t stand to leave without experiencing and seeing. For me, this involved a fair amount of quickly traveling around, but more importantly, it involved a fair bit of planning. Not just “how will I fit all of this into my suitcases” or “how much will it cost to get to the Tel Aviv airport,” but questions of “how to avoid being essentially persecuted by the Israeli airport and El Al, again, due to my religion?” A tough question indeed: those poor individuals who work in the dehumanizing process of Israeli “security,” as many of my posts have dealt with in different ways, are not particularly nice, approachable, reasonable, or morally upstanding; remember kids: people within their shared religious group are never threats, whereas people outside always are. That faulty mindset worked out great for Rabin…
Nevertheless, I present to you now the articles needed for my planned escape from hot temperatures, hot tempers, and cold inter-religious and -ethnic relations.
Article 1a

The front side of the shirt I had custom-made for myself, this proudly proclaims “I Love the Israeli Supreme Court,” for reasons of putting forth an incredibly perplexing shirt to have on in public…
Article 1b

…and the back of the shirt featured the Lion of Judah, which is the crest of Jerusalem, as well as the word “Jerusalem” itself. Nothing like a smidge of patriotic and allied religious sentiment to potentially keep security less interested in an innocent individual.
Articles 2, 3, 4, 5

In order, I had packed my handy dandy personal copy of Herzl’s The Jewish State, one of the foundational pieces of literature within Zionism. That went near the top of my carry-on, and was ideally well placed for immediately being noticed. Second, I had my complimentary Papal Visit to Israel baseball cap AND pin, which itself featured an Israeli flag beside the standard of the Vatican. To complete that part of my intended, Catholic pilgrim-ish outfit, I also had purchased rosary beads from Bethlehem featuring a crucifix, which went directly into my hand/around my wrist. To be completely frank: their racist security had given me so many troubles when I originally flew to Israel for being a Christian; I figured “why not become the caricature Christian and then continually ask them why all the folks in kippas were getting through with no problems.”
The planned and carefully groomed appearance extended beyond simple clothing, accoutrements, and carry-on luggage. As the next image shows, my smaller suitcase featured a Haifa soccer scarf all in Hebrew, alongside a copy of the most unbelievably pro-Israel biases piece of faux “legal” briefs I have ever seen. In my larger suitcase, the top layer of packing included a big old Israeli flag, conveniently folded so that the Star of David faced upwards. I was, as far as I could possibly be, ready to go. I wished my roommates all the best, and went downstairs and out to the street, where I was able to negotiate a decent price to Tel Aviv with the first cabbie who pulled over. So prepared, I wondered to myself in a self-sure internal monologue kind of tone: “see if they can hassle me NOW.”
I assure you: the mighty soon fell.
Literally the moment after I got out of the nice gentleman’s cab (who, by the way, basically spent the hour car ride explaining to me why I should return to the United States and find and marry a nice Jewish girl as soon as possible, even though he knows I am a Christian who is considering the ministry. I commend his optimism.), the insanity and fear-based culture of the Tel Aviv airport reared its ugly head and struck. The four large Jewish families who entered the airport before me, and the collection of Hasidic Jewish folks who shuffled towards the front door behind me all got inside the building just fine. I, however, was ALREADY stopped by a security guard before I even got to the door. He asked me all manner of questions, like who my rabbi was (right… the Papal Visit hat and rosary beads were a joke…), and eventually let me pass. Having gotten over that hurdle, I got inside and was soon thereafter stopped… again, and questioned the same way… again. Nevertheless, I walked as non-suspiciously as I possibly could over the Israeli postal service shop in the airport, and deposited my Israeli phone in the prepaid envelope: my second-last commitment and responsibility had been dealt with, as I now only needed to get through security and board the plane. Easy, right?
If you thought yes, I suggest you go back and reread specific parts of my blog, including the entire thing, to get the joke.
I queued up with the rest of the folks waiting to board El Al’s crappy plane in a crappy airport, and as such got the crappy time of dealing with crappy people providing crappy “security.” To make a very, very long story short, I won’t tell you all the details. How long? I was stuck in airport security for a couple minutes more than four (that’s 4, you read it right) hours. Was there a delay in the line, or not enough personnel working? No, I assure you that 95% or more of the people around me got through security in about 15 minutes. Again keeping the details short, I ended up having all my belongings unpacked and repacked 3 times in full, due to having been in the queue SO LONG that the security personnel manager switched twice, and the new ones each wanted it rechecked. I got to flirt a bunch with the girl who kept having to unpack/repack my stuff, which made it slightly more bearable I suppose, but only slightly. Interesting enough, and as a follow-up to the various Articles pictured above as part of my “Get out of Dodge sans hassle” Plan, the shirt is the only aspect that ended up being 100% effective: multiple security personnel read my shirt, and then gave me inquisitive or agreeing or baffled looks, thus turning me from a Security Threat to a Human Being of interest. But obviously not interesting enough.
All of that said, post-security to arrival back in Newport New Jersey is an absolute blur to me; it was so very good to be free from The Police State and so on and so forth. It had been grueling, but eventually I found my way to the…
It is far too Hollywood- and dissertation-minded to think that I should write a full-on conclusion to my 7 month experiences in Israel/Palestine in this post. I say this only because it is silly to think that somehow, in such a complex environment where I intentionally got involved and educated about a thousand thousand aspects of culture, society, history, religion, etc etc etc, I could magically come up with a concise way of deriving that all down to one parapgraph. The land there has been hotly contested and a conflict region for much of human history: it was that way during the rule of Ramses II of Egypt, it was there during Operation Cast Lead the weeks before I arrived, it was contested while I lived there, and it has continued to be unsettled in many ways since I have departed. There is really only one word to bring this blog and my journey to an end, one that is a good general indicator but not an end-all, be-all summary for my experiences:
Escape.

